DONNY NOGGINS IS GONE
Scotland was so good the other night that everyone wants to get in. Steve Clarke’s side appeared on the Ukrainian grid on Wednesday as the genetically linked progeny of Valeriy Lobanovskyi and Irvine Welsh, and now everyone wants to hitch their wagon to the runaway train that is Scottish football. An example of this madness – certainly the only example, but the trends have to start somewhere – is the new (est. 2022) Sheffield & Hallamshire County Senior Football League Division Two Side Doncaster City, which has applied to the SFA to play in next season’s Scottish Cup and yes, this is a slow day of news, even by the standards of an average international break.
Backed by Mr 15% Willie McKay and sponsored by purveyors of big mugs and other tattoos Sports Direct, City have ambitious plans to build a “football hub for the North of England” incorporating pitches training, accommodation and entertainment. and a canteen. The hope is that the big teams from the south, overseas, London etc will fly into Doncaster Sheffield airport when they play up north and camp with them. A good business idea, we’re sure you and at least two other dragons will agree, but they’re not going to stop there. City also plan to do some football on their own and to this end they are not eligible for the FA Cup as a tier 13 side (only tier nine go into the velvet bag), they are trying to work their way into the SFA alike. fancy sack, arguing that Donny is in fact part of Scotland.
This is as stupid as it sounds, but it nonetheless has a vague connection to reality. In 1136, King Stephen of England and King David I of Scotland stopped throwing clods of earth at each other’s heads and signed a peace treaty. David was given Carlisle, Cumberland, Lancashire, that nice service station with a farm shop just off the M6 and Doncaster, and though most of it was later returned, Donny was never formally returned to the English. So you can see where City are going with this. A clever plan, though it seems doomed to fail, given that their membership in the English FA means they don’t meet the Scottish Cup entry requirements. Of course, they could still make a Berwick Rangers, joining the authorities across the border, citing Steve and Dave’s 1136 treaty, and go from there… but The Fiver advises them to keep their advice. for a couple more days at least. . See how Republic O’Ireland fare at Hampden on Saturday, for starters. Perhaps the clamor to grab a piece of this red-hot Scottish action has suddenly died down.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“They love to talk about the old days, the men are old like ‘Annie, are you okay?’ vibes to Stormzy’s video for new song ‘Mel Made Me Do It’.
“So a few weeks into a Harvard business course qualifies Mark Noble as West Ham’s new sporting director (Yesterday’s quote). Now it looks like the Hammers finally have a long-term plan. Very long range, actually.” – John Weldon.
“As an Everton fan, I can only rejoice at the news of the Hair Transplant Clinic sponsorship (yesterday’s trade offer). Forget winning the league. But finally, it will be possible to see the entire team, manager and trainers sporting homegrown double Mohicans, perhaps reintroducing a mullet to the rear, and perhaps knee-length beards, assuming the magical ointment for the hair works on the chins. All tastefully tinted blue and white, obviously. It’s what we’ve all been waiting for. Though I wonder if they’ll ditch the club crest for a before-and-after bald eagle. Surely Crystal Palace would have something to say about that.” – Steve Malone
“If you don’t give Noble Francis one of the jobs you recently announced, can you at least give him an award? The poor boy has been writing every day and must be gutted when the day’s letter goes to someone else. Maybe we Fiver readers could start a quick round and buy you a copy? – Morgan.
Send your letters to email@example.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter of the day, who also wins our final copy of Jonathan Wilson’s Two Brothers, which is also available to buy here, is… Steve Malone. I’m sorry noble.
GOAL OF THE DAY
There is the center and then there is center. aaron herreraof Real Salt Lake, in their 2-1 friendly defeat against Mexican Atlas.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
More than 1,700 Liverpool fans who suffered injuries and trauma during the near-disaster in Paris last season have registered for potential claims to sue UEFA.
Fifteen members of the Spanish women’s team have become unavailable due to their worsening mood while Jorge Vilda continues as head coach. The Spanish Federation is being as masculine as one would expect in its response, snorting that the players would not play again until they “admit their mistake and apologize”.
Gareth Southgate is staying with Harry Maguire whether you like it or not. “It is important to support our best players. Whatever reputation I have, I’m putting it on [the line] there,” the England manager honked, perhaps exaggerating the importance of Nations League matches.
Mansfield have changed the Saturday kick-off time for next month’s game against Walsall from 3pm to 1pm due to the current energy crisis. “[This] it will allow the club to discern whether significant savings can be achieved in the use of reflectors,” said a suit.
Manchester United’s wage bill has hit a record £384.2m, and the club’s £200m summer splurge on bright new players didn’t help.
And despite being severely sent off in the win over Wales, Roberto Martinez is still focusing on how to spread those optimistic Bobby M vibes in the Belgium camp. “It may have been yellow, but never red,” he yelled. “[Eden Hazard] He told me that in Belgium you have to pay for a dinner with a red card. I will do it.”
CORNER OF THE MURALS
An image of Pep Guardiola painted on a house near the Etihad Stadium has been defaced with “MUFC” graffiti, a day after it was completed. Meanwhile, Jürgen Klopp’s huge face has been engraved on the gable of possibly the last remaining terraced house at Anfield that had not yet received the fresh scouse treatment. “Klopp is second best,” honked the owner, who said she would have preferred to have Kevin Keegan on her hook side.
STILL WANT MORE?
Form, formation and Phil Foden. Jacob Steinberg addresses the alliterative issues facing Gareth Southgate ahead of the Human Rights World Cup.
Barney Ronay discusses the ongoing English delusion facing Gareth Southgate.
Speaking of which, here’s Pete Pattisson on the dire state of affairs for migrant workers in Qatar.
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